I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
