I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
