I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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