So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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