Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
