Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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