I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
