i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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