me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
