I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
