there's paper in my vomit.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
