I love black thongs
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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