I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
