Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
