we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
