I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
