My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
