mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
