My liver just broke up with me...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
