I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
