Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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