Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
