Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
