Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
