capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
