it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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