my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
