I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
