I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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