mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
