New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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