i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
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In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
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I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.