i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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