Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
