I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
