I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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