ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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