Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
