you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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