Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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