Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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