she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
