"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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