A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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