How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
