You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
