one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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