Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
