Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
