I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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