after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
