life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
