The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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