i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
