why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Randomize
