I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
