Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
