Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
