My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
