girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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